Wow..gotta LOVE a guy who begins your birthday celebration at the stroke of midnight..
Running on 4 hours sleep!!  But my goodness..did I have fun..lol
The day has only begun..and there's more fun to be wrought..

Later!

Today..I've decided to finally put those darn heavy oak bunkbeds together..what I lack in brute strength I've made up for in ingenuity..Using chairs to prop up the other end of the beams whilst I insert screws on my end..
I don't know exactly how I'm going to get the top board onto the top bunk..it's heavy huge and ackward..here's hopin I don't break a nail or my neck!

I don't understand my ex.
He's kid free.  
He can get any job he wants.
Move anywhere and see his kids when he'd like.

Instead?
He quit his job.
Is homeless.
Has given up on the kids.
Has attempted suicide twice in two weeks.

Now it's up to me AGAIN..to pack away his life.
Put it in storage until the NEXT round.
I just want to walk away and never have to look back.
His mom is pressuring me into this..She's worried about family heirlooms and wants me to pay for half the cost of storage.
She won't hire movers.  (might cut into her next extravagent vacation)
I'm supposed to lift a queen sized bed, china cabinet and hope chest?  
What am I..fucking SUPERMAN??
I'm supposed to ask people who HAVE busy schedules to do it for me?
I don't THINK so.
We're going through enough the kids and I.
So friggin tired of all of this BS.

Gosh what a day so far..Walked so much that I'm not sure my heels can take mcuh more..and I ADORE these shoes..
The wind is frisky..it played with the loose ends of my hair wrap all morning whipping them gracefully as I walked to and fro.  At times I was so tired..(must eat a decent breakfast next time) that I felt as though I were a half crushed ant..injured yet determined to flee shakily.  
The sun shone mutely yet sporadically from the heavens heralding the awesome thunderheads steaming forth from the sky.  A very bold large winged insect settled on my black cotton skirt..it stayed for quite a spell..lulled by my wanderings before taking flight again.

I had a fabulous weekend.
Simon spoiled me ROTTEN.
We found ourselves in Niagara Falls..I had grown so weary of my apartment and he suggested we rent a lavish room.  Unfortunately?  Being a very late and busy Friday night..the one room available was cramped..we laughingly compared it to the Garbage Disposal unit that Luke, Leah, Han and Chewy found themselves trapped in Star Wars..  Made for very interesting roleplay..;)
The following morning when asked how are stay was..I piped up about the Star Wars comparison and joked that I make a very Dashing Han Solo but (pointing to Simon) was'nt sure about Leah here..
We had breakfast and visited my friend Shanny..I dyed her hair ..(always a favor to be had when I show) but I didn't mind..it was very nice to see her again.
After a brief stop at my apartment to change, we drove to his Uncle Max's.  It was important for Simon that I meet his family.  Very very eccentric family..we got along great.  We dozed in his room..we walked to the nearby harbour town of Port dalhousie and treated ourselves to a nice meal..then we visited his step-daughter ro see her newborn son..but not before I suggested we purchase a gift for the mother of three..A chocolate scented candle and some relaxing bath crystals.  She knew immediately that the thought was not his but mine..Simon thanked me profusely because such thoughtful ideas don't come easily to him.
Afterwards we decided to go and see X3..stopped at a pub for a snack beforehand and there began whispers of possibilities..
A wedding in a pristine cathedral amungst the craggy peaks of Ireland..
Living in Newfoundland to raise the children amungst a community that treats all like family..
A child..
But these things you see..are but dreams..his..not mine.  I think it bold and brave of him to reveal such thoughts to me..however too soon.
I also know that such hopes can be dashed in a heartbeat..therefore I dare not even give to hope as my heart is numb..and I am not prepared to love someone yet.  
It is a cruel fate that we goddesses are cursed with love at first breath.  That we must endure the pain of not being able to return it...There HE is standing right there..normally the man of my dreams..the one for me..why is my heart not quickened?   I will stay and wait for his sake and mine.
Fate will decide what the future brings.
After the movie we came back to my humble domecile.  He and I spent the night in eachothers arms.  It was morning when we parted...then evening when he returned.  My children really enjoy his company as he does theirs.
Now a nap before they come crashing through my solitude.

I think of you and I feel excited,
listen to you and then feel enlightened

when I look at you I see real beauty
to care for you must be my duty

there is a small speck in your eye, like an island in a sea of green
I want to live on that Island forever, the most beautiful place that I have ever seen

Words can't explain the way I feel for you
but don't worry, can't break this heart no matter what you do.
This heart has been made stronger just knowing you're in the world
you are a lady, a mother,a lover, and I would like you to be my girl

I don't know if there is a god, but I know there is a heaven
I have been there, though not often enough, it is in your arms
a heroine and a goddess that is modest, loving and sweet
Don't feel worthy to be near you but cannot resist your charms

Just being near you is so rewarding to me
I gaze and am amazed at the beauty I see 


Is'nt he AWESOME??
He's been a huge help this past week!  Lent me enough to get by until my check finally arrived today..I feel really lucky to have someone like him in my life.  Lastnight he took the kids and I to a private beach in Port Dalhousie..He had a blast he said and thanked US!!  I'm a happy gal.

xo GP

It has been one hell of a few weeks.
Been waiting for my Child Tax Benefit check since Friday. Still not here..(in the mail I'm assured) I was forced to go to community care for food. Felt like a TOTAL failure.
My cell phone will likely be cut off today..I've asked them to extend the deadline to a few more days but got rebuffed..sometimes you get a real sweetheart on the other end willing to help..yesterday I got someone who seemed to be in a big bad mood.
Ontario Works has me leaping through hoops to recieve assistance and are with-holding my July check until I've provided all of the documents requested. After I gather everything they'll have more obstacles for me no doubt. They try to make it as difficult as possible to keep recieving assistance because they don't want to give it. What irks me is that every first of the month the downtown area is littered with junkies openly smoking the crack they'd bought with their assistance checks..while I'm struggling to keep myself and my three kids afloat..I think they treat us all equally as maggots of society. How can they expect me to maintain a job whilst keeping three in daycare? They have programs and courses they're supposed to offer to help people get better paying jobs..but they make your life miserable for seeking it..and they make you so frustrated by giving you such a hard time that it seems easier to give up.

On a good note..
Things are going fine with Simon..He said "Head over Heels" this morning..He goes out of his way to meet me for a coffee at the Timmy's by the school in the mornings now..and right after work he comes by with a coffee just to hang with us for a bit before he heads home..then he goes online and plays City of Heroes with me til midnight..I think he's addicted to me. It's rather nice to feel that sort of positive attention..I just feel unworthy of such adulation right now. I worry that he misses being around his ex and her kids so much and that we're standing in for them..I don't know if that's right or wrong..or a good or bad thing..so I'll just sit here and be thankfull that I have such a sweet guy in my life right now.

Guess I should call my Dad!

The kids are a little bummed today..their Dad told them on the phone earlier that he does'nt deserve to be their father and maybe Simon should be. He's such a PIN-HEAD!! He makes me so FRUSTRATED!!
He then told me that I'm just like my mother..a selfish cow who sleeps around and cares only for herself.
He said WE made a commitment. He WANTS me BACK. That I am ruining the kids lives. I'll be parading men in and out of their lives. I broke up the family. I have destroyed his life.
TAKES TWO to TANGO.
He's telling FACS about Simon and there'd BETTER be carseats for the boys..Simon's a scumbag who preys on women in shelters etc..sigh.

So..What to do with the kids today?
Simon offered to take us out to Sherkston Beach..I suppose that would be totally WRONG and just make things worse...why should the kids suffer though?

Tommy got another boo-boo. He waited behind our door for Simon (he was really excited)..when Si opened it..his big toe got caught..OUCH. (a sign?:()

Well there's my RANT..I hope that things get better.

Just got off the phone with a very irrate ex-husband who's found out about Simon from the kids.
I asked them never to mention him or ANYONE to their Dad because he'll become COMPLETELY goofy. I'll simply have to stop seeing Simon when the kids are awake. When he's around the kids we don't touch or ANYTHING. What's the big deal? Why can't I have an adult to talk to? The Ex is worried about his influence on the children and how FACS won't let them see Tanya..(Tanya/Jody is a stripper he's been with for two years..she just had her son taken away because of child-abandonment and excessive crack use..not to mention I BOUGHT HER a BIKINI last summer so she'd stop wearing lingerie to the beach with our kids AND it was the EX that told FACS about her..not ME)
Now the Ex's weekend with the kids is RUINED..because all he'll be thinking about is what I MIGHT be doing.
I was hoping that this journal would'nt become a rant thing but it has..
Another phone call..
Kids are on their way home.
He can't handle it.
Guess I'll take them to the park tonight..get them worn out and then bedtime.
I'm not all that upset..I should've known better than to see ANYONE.

I can't sleeeeeeeep

COH got the best of me..was up til 1:30..
FINALLY peeled myself away..
Guilt-ridden I did the dishes.
By 2am in bed..
then cat starts YOWLING she won't stop..
There's a tomcat outside..I think she's in heat again..
I don't wanna get up at 6:30..
Can't stop thinking about the kids..and this crumby apartment.
Pondering pulling an all nighter..